Parks and Recreation

"I've already ruined it, haven't I?"

"This is going to haunt me forever."

"I can't believe I'm this stupid."

"Why would you think I could handle this?"

"I'm a burden to everyone around me."

"Nothing good ever happens to me."

"I've made a huge mistake."

"This is the worst day of my life, and it's only 10 AM."

"I'm going to die alone."

"Why is everything terrible?"

"Everyone hates me, and I deserve it."

"I shouldn't have said that."

"This is my fault somehow."

"I just want someone to love me."

"I have no idea what I'm doing at any given moment."

"The key to a great relationship is making things awkward."

"I'm an idiot, probably."

"My wife left me, my kids don't respect me, and I'm a failure."

"I think I pulled something."

"Why does everything I do end up a mess?"

"I've always been a big fan of myself."

"I regret everything."

"Everything I do is either sad or pathetic."

"I need you to take me to the hospital, but I don't want anyone to know about it."

"You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris? Me neither."

"I'm equally angry at all of you."

"That's what she said."

"I've made some poor life choices."

"Sometimes I think our department is cursed."

"I don't understand what's happening, but I'm confident it's my fault."