Parks and Recreation

"Nature is outdoors, and outdoors has bugs."

"Peace is what I have when everyone does what I want."

"Justice is served cold, usually in a martini glass."

"Creativity is theft, but with better lawyers."

"I'm grateful for money, women, and... that's it."

"Perseverance is a word I don't understand."

"I'm stronger than I look, which isn't hard."

"Kindness is for people who can afford it."

"Solitude is when I'm alone with my thoughts and my money."

"Relationships are just rich people's charity work."

"Inspiration usually happens around 2 AM at a bar."

"Motivation comes in liquid form."

"War is terrible unless there's money in it."

"Politics is a game for people with convictions."

"Books are a waste of trees."

"I'm basically a philosopher, but I don't think."

"History is boring. The future is where the money is."

"Technology ruined my life before I could ruin it myself."

"Imagination is a tool for poor people."

"Adventure is just what you call it when rich people travel."

"Health is overrated. I prefer pizza."

"I'm basically a poet."

"The key to happiness is having enough money to not care."

"I don't do manual labor. I hire people for that."

"Power is knowing someone who has power."

"I fear nothing except my own mortality and bankruptcy."

"Beauty is pain, and I'm in a lot of pain."

"I'm too cool for school, and I never went anyway."

"Music is the language of the soul, and my soul speaks fluent nonsense."

"Success is waking up without a hangover."