Parks and Recreation

"If I had to rank my favorite feelings, it would be hatred and apathy."

"Democracy doesn't work because people are dumb."

"I'm the most private person in the world, yet somehow everyone knows about my affairs."

"A man should never trust a bartender who doesn't drink."

"I don't believe in following laws. Laws are for sheep."

"Time is the only currency that matters."

"I would rather lose my legs than lose my woodworking tools."

"A woman is only as good as her last paycheck."

"I like to keep my emotions locked away where they belong."

"I respect any man who can look me in the eye and lie to me."

"If you want nothing, you will have everything."

"The only thing worse than dying is living."

"I have opinions and I've made them very clear."

"America: the only country that matters."

"I have a drinking problem, but I don't like to think of it that way."

"I love nothing more than sitting by myself in the darkness."

"The most dangerous phrase in the English language is 'someone should do something.'"

"I would rather have a blood oath than a handshake. These are agreements you keep."

"My father turned into a log and got sawed."

"I get angry at the way people treat animals."

"Treat yo self to a nice steak and a scotch."

"I have had a perfectly good life without ever setting foot in an airport."

"I like the color black because it's the darkest color."

"Vegetarians and vegans are basically waiting around to die."

"Sweat is a liquid mixture of salt, water, and the tears of unfaithful mistresses."

"I believe that 'hell' is just a word, but 'damnit' hits harder."

"I have a calendar devoted entirely to large-breed dogs that are not friendly."

"A woodworker is a romantic. A guy who works in tech is a dreamer with terrible interpersonal skills."

"I believe that all government is bad and that all politicians are idiots."

"Real woodworking takes time. I don't care if I ever finish."