Parks and Recreation

"I'm not a romantic man, but I do have a canoe."

"There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger."

"If you want to make an enemy, try to do someone a favor."

"I love the smell of jet fuel in the morning."

"Public libraries are the last bastion of free access to information."

"I once worked with a man who had a mole on his face. I never understood why he didn't just remove it."

"I'm going to go home, sit in my chair, and wait for death to come."

"My brother is a beet farmer in upstate New York. He is a simple man."

"Government workers are the worst kind of person imaginable."

"I'm passionate about woodworking and eggs. Actually, I'm passionate about woodworking and bacon."

"I have a strong aversion to helping people."

"I would shoot a duck out of the sky just to hear it hit the water."

"Craft is what separates man from the animals. Also, fire."

"The only thing I want to do less than argue with you is be seen with you in public."

"I'm going to build my own restaurant with blackjack and hookers."

"Your son is an idiot. I've known this since he was a baby."

"I respect anyone who eats only what they kill."

"Money is the only substance that matters. Well, that and dark stain."

"I'm afraid of most things, but I would say I'm particularly scared of dolphins."

"Never trust a man with a bone-in ribeye who orders it well-done."

"Skim milk is water pretending to be milk."

"I've got the strength of a grown man and a little boy."

"Give me all the bacon and eggs you have."

"I need to be by myself for a while. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm angry."

"The best way to teach a child something is through corporal punishment."

"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."

"Punch a tree and receive bark scraped knuckles."

"Everything is a conspiracy. I once got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it."

"I call this turf 'The Land.' I own it, I love it, it's mine."

"Destroy the part of you that cares."