Parks and Recreation

"The key to happiness is low expectations and high calorie intake."

"I try to live by the principle of minimum effort."

"Perseverance is great, but giving up is sometimes easier."

"I've learned that you can't control what other people think of you, but you can control what you eat."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy bacon, which is basically the same thing."

"I don't believe in exercise. I believe in eating."

"Work is what you do so you can afford to eat. Everything else is just extra."

"I think the best way to live is to not live very intensely."

"Hope is a funny thing. It usually leads to disappointment."

"Love is finding someone who makes you smile even when you're crying. Or finding a good burger."

"I believe in second chances. And third chances. Basically infinite chances."

"The truth is, I'm not very good at being a human."

"Time moves too slow when you're waiting for something good and too fast when you're waiting for something bad."

"Success is when you can sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. And the donuts."

"I want to be remembered as a man who loved food and disappointing people."

"You know what my philosophy is? Don't think about it."

"Friendship is the purest form of love. Well, except when your friends betray you."

"I think the scariest thing about the future is that I might still be alive in it."

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm thinking about Thanksgiving too much. But then I decide that's impossible."

"I'm not really a 'rules' guy. I'm more of a 'do whatever I want' guy."

"Treat yo self. It's the best day of the year."

"Why does everyone always expect me to know what I'm doing? I graduated from a high school."

"I like to think of myself as a big shot. A man of importance."

"The key to a great life is believing in yourself, even when no one else does. Especially then."

"I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure that's true for everyone."

"Sometimes I think all my life problems are because I'm not a fat man."

"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a goofy joke instead?"

"Inspiration is contagious."

"Motivation comes from believing in your cause."

"Patience makes difficult things possible."