Humor Quotes

"I just sent out for Chinese and I was very rude."

"Ow! I've been shot. Which is not good for me."

"I'm gonna go back in time and prevent the Big Bang."

"I didn't think it was possible, but this town is dumber than I thought."

"I'm gonna arrest myself. That'll teach them."

"You're under arrest for being too awesome."

"The prison is full. Can we just let 'em go?"

"I'm gonna need a bigger bribe."

"If being popular was a crime, I'd be... well, innocent."

"I'm gonna go beat up the wrong guy, just to be safe."

"I didn't become a cop to work, I became a cop to nap."

"I'm making a citizen's arrest... on myself. For indecency."

"If I had a nickel for every crime I've solved... I'd have no nickels."

"Is there any law against being delicious? If so, I'm guilty."

"Ralph, why are you crying? Because my pants are wet."

"I'm too fat to run, but I can walk really fast."

"My heart says yes but my brain says... donut."

"D'oh! I forgot what I was saying."

"Lenny's the name, and drinking's... well, one of my games."

"Finding the funny in life's problems - that's survival."

"Life's too short to not laugh at yourself."

"Live long and prosper... wait, wrong network."

"I once reported the news while being completely wrong about everything."

"I've never let a little thing like not knowing anything stop me."

"The greatest joke is my track record."

"A day without making a mistake is a day I wasn't on air."

"I report the news as I understand it - poorly."

"I once said 'no comment' because I had no idea what was happening."

"Humor keeps the hive happy and united!"

"Humor heals wounds that medicine cannot touch."