Archer

"Death is the only guarantee in life, which is oddly comforting."

"Beauty fades, but stupidity is forever."

"Humor is a defense mechanism against the absurdity of existence."

"Dreams are just your brain's way of reminding you of your failures."

"Work is what you do to avoid dealing with your actual life."

"Leadership is the privilege of making decisions others will blame you for."

"Faith is believing in things you have no evidence for, which is insane."

"Music is just organized noise that people use to avoid conversation."

"Science is the only thing that makes sense, which is why nothing does."

"Art is something people pretend to understand to seem intelligent."

"Nature is beautiful from a distance, preferably through a window."

"Peace is what people call the absence of conflict before it starts again."

"Freedom is just another word for the burden of choice."

"The truth is overrated. Comfortable lies are far more practical."

"Time doesn't heal anything; it just makes you forget why you're miserable."

"Knowledge is burden disguised as enlightenment."

"Education is wasted on people too dumb to realize how dumb they are."

"Change is inevitable, which is precisely why I avoid it."

"Courage is just stupidity with good public relations."

"Hope is what fools use instead of planning."

"Family is the accident you're born into and stuck with forever."

"Friendship is just a convenient arrangement until something better comes along."

"I find that happiness is inversely proportional to human interaction."

"The only thing worse than being alone is being with other people."

"Love is a chemical imbalance in the brain that we mistake for meaning."

"Life is a series of disappointing moments punctuated by occasional mediocrity."

"Success is just another word for having enough money to avoid talking to people."

"You know what? I've given up trying to understand people. It's exhausting."

"I'm not insane, I'm just a realist with a pessimistic worldview."

"Change is necessary, even when it's unwelcome."