Archer

"Hope is what I feel on Fridays at 4:59 PM."

"Love is a chemical imbalance that makes you stupid."

"I quit. Again. For the hundredth time."

"Your problems are not my emergency."

"I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic."

"Solitude is the only relationship I can trust."

"Relationships are just sustained disappointments."

"Inspiration comes from anywhere but this office."

"Motivation is what you feel before reality hits."

"War is just business with more explosions."

"Politics is two sides agreeing to screw people like me."

"Literature gives you hope that fiction is better than reality."

"Philosophy is just expensive thinking."

"History doesn't repeat, but it rhymes with your mistakes."

"Technology makes everything worse, slowly."

"Imagination would suggest I could do something else."

"Adventure is code for 'things going horribly wrong.'"

"Health is what you have before this job destroys you."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy silence."

"Power corrupts, but it also pays better."

"I have the strength to tolerate your incompetence, barely."

"Kindness gets you nothing but walked all over."

"Patience is a virtue I abandoned years ago."

"Justice is a luxury people like me can't afford."

"Creativity would be finding a new job."

"I'm grateful for exactly nothing in my life right now."

"Perseverance is just stubbornness with a better PR team."

"Death would be a sweet relief from this office."

"Beauty fades, but stupidity is forever."

"Humor is the only way to survive in this hellhole."