Parks and Recreation

"I have the same relationship with my wife as I have with my country."

"Crying is only acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon."

"Make your own lunch. Eating out is for people without dreams."

"You've got to take care of your knees, your back, and your core."

"I'm happy to sacrifice some personal freedoms if it leads to greater security for everyone."

"Entertainment is a vice and should be eliminated."

"Libertarians are Americans too, and we deserve respect."

"I enjoy eating breakfast alone in a moody, overlit hotel room."

"If I want goofy food, I eat goofy food."

"I would like to formally propose that we rename the Parks Department to the Department of Doing Whatever the Hell I Want."

"I am a simple man. I like lumber, and furniture, and the way a room looks when it has a lot of wood in it."

"Recusal: when someone is smart enough to know they shouldn't be involved."

"The government shouldn't tell you who to sleep with."

"I'm a man who believes in the citizens and the Constitution."

"Save money. Earn money. Invest money."

"I do not support women, children, or flowers."

"Loud noises are barbaric."

"Never trust a man who doesn't have calluses on his hands."

"Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets."

"I've been blessed with an abundance of patience."

"The government wastes your money. I want to return it by not spending it."

"Treat your body like a temple, not a Taco Bell."

"I will come back to haunt you and slit your throat in the dark of the night."

"Waffles are the best breakfast food because they can be customized completely."

"Time moves forward, not backward."

"I respect any man who can provide for his family."

"Skim milk is just water lying about being milk."

"Wood. The best material for everything."

"I don't want to be on your council. I want to watch you fail."

"The Parks Department is a sinkhole of despair and bureaucracy."