Parks and Recreation

"Strength comes from within, but mostly from expensive protein supplements."

"Kindness is free, unlike cologne, which is expensive and essential."

"Justice is important, but so is justice for my wardrobe."

"Faith is believing in something you can't see. I prefer to see myself in the mirror."

"Music is the language of the soul, but a good suit is the language of success."

"Philosophy teaches us that nothing matters, so might as well look amazing."

"History will remember me fondly, mostly because I'll fund that effort personally."

"Technology is great until it requires reading the instructions."

"Art is subjective. My existence is objectively beautiful."

"Adventure is out there, but so are germs."

"Health is wealth, but have you considered just being rich instead?"

"Power is not about what you do, it's about how you look doing it."

"Fear is just opportunity wearing a scary mask."

"Education is important, but have you ever had crab juice?"

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I am very beautiful."

"I want to make a difference in this world. Also, I want to look good."

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results. Which is why I do different things. Badly."

"Patience is a virtue I don't have time for."

"I believe in living life to the fullest, which means never being fully present."

"Every problem is an opportunity to wear a different, more expensive outfit."

"Hope is for people without money. But I have money, so I have something better."

"I have a plan so cunning, you could pin a tail on it and call it a donkey."

"The truth is out there, but it's probably less important than your personal brand."

"Change is inevitable. So you might as well look good while it's happening."

"Friendship means being there for someone even when they're being incredibly annoying."

"I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it."

"Success is 10% inspiration, 90% perspiration, and 100% looking expensive."

"The best time to do something is before you think of an excuse not to."

"I'm very close to falling in love with this waffle. Is that weird?"

"Knowledge is power, but charisma is more powerful."