Parks and Recreation

"I would rather watch a woman enjoy a delicious meal than enjoy the meal myself."

"Friends don't exist. Only competitors and people who haven't stabbed you yet."

"The government wants to run all three branches of government. I'm going to make sure it doesn't."

"Crying: it's just peeing, but from your eyes."

"I'd rather have a hand grenade than a telephone."

"Breakfast food is my favorite food group. Breakfast food can be eaten at any time of day."

"The best way to understand the human experience is to read the letters of great men."

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."

"I have no time for games or riddles. I'm a simple man with simple tastes."

"Inspiration is everywhere if you're open to it. I'm open to success."

"War is never the answer, unless the question is 'how do I win?'"

"Faith is believing without seeing. I prefer seeing, believing, and then publicizing."

"Music to my ears is the sound of opportunity knocking on my door."

"Philosophy answers life's big questions. My bank account answers all of mine."

"History will be kind to me because I'll write it myself."

"Technology connects us all. Specifically, to my social media profiles."

"Adventure is where the best stories come from. I'm living in an adventure, constantly."

"Health is important, but health insurance is complicated. I pay people to understand it."

"Money isn't everything, but it's in the top one."

"The power of now is knowing that 'now' is the best time to invest in yourself."

"Gratitude is appreciating the small things. Like small donations to my campaign."

"Perseverance is continuing even when you don't feel like it. I feel like it constantly."

"Strength is not just physical. It's also the ability to commit to a brand."

"Kindness costs nothing, but accepting kindness requires knowing someone cares."

"Justice should be swift and should know my name."

"Creativity is intelligence having fun. I'm having so much fun."

"Humor is the best medicine, except I prefer actual medicine and humor together."

"Friendship is like a plant. You have to water it and talk to it and pretend it's doing well."

"Beauty fades, but a good portfolio is forever."

"Dreams without action are just fantasies. Lucky for me, I have both."