Futurama

"I don't trust anyone born after the year 2000."

"Art is subjective, which means mine is definitely terrible."

"Nature is beautiful, but it keeps trying to kill me."

"I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers."

"The key to friendship is finding someone who tolerates your behavior."

"I've invested my entire fortune in a company that makes nothing."

"Science and religion are not mutually exclusive. They're just both equally confusing."

"I'm planning a party for my death. I want it to be memorable."

"What do young people do for entertainment? Sit around and talk about their feelings?"

"My greatest achievement is somehow still being alive."

"I once invented a device that could do anything. Then I forgot how it worked."

"The pursuit of profit is what drives innovation."

"I've forgotten more than you'll ever know. Mostly on purpose."

"What's wrong with just making robot love? It's cleaner."

"Young people today don't appreciate the simple things in life, like a good suicide booth."

"I've solved the universe's greatest mysteries through science."

"Life's greatest joy is helping others... No wait, it's definitely watching sports."

"I'm now 25% robot. Or is it 75%? I can't remember."

"What a magnificent machine! Let's use it for something incredibly dangerous."

"I've been meaning to get around to that."

"Sometimes the greatest discoveries come from complete accidents."

"I'm 160 years old and I still don't have all the answers."

"You young people don't understand the value of hard work."

"When I was your age, we didn't have fancy things like electricity. We had to rub sticks together."

"I've decided to take a trip to the brain slug planet. It sounds educational."

"What's the deal with young people today? Everything's on their cellular phones."

"I'm building a luge out of ice. If it melts, I'll know I've failed."

"Shut up and take my money!"

"My hands are as soft as a dolphin now."

"I've decided to build an ark to preserve life on Earth. Just kidding, I'll be dead soon anyway."