The Office

"Love is just a distraction from your work."

"I admire people who follow rules, even when it's painful."

"The best defense against disappointment is low expectations."

"I've come to terms with my own irrelevance."

"Most people are disappointments waiting to happen."

"I believe in the immortality of paperwork."

"Character is doing what's right when it's unpopular."

"I'm not depressed. I'm just honest about life."

"The purpose of life is to avoid regret."

"I don't need friends. I need compliance."

"Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is show up."

"I'm exactly where I want to be in life: invisible."

"Rules give meaning to chaos."

"I've learned to appreciate the small things in life, like being left alone."

"Patience is a virtue, but I'm not virtuous."

"I'm not pessimistic. I'm just realistic about the future."

"The key to a good marriage is very low expectations."

"I understand human behavior better than most people understand themselves."

"Loneliness is just another word for freedom."

"I believe in facing adversity head-on, then retreating."

"The workplace is a battlefield, and I'm a casualty."

"Success breeds contempt, so I make sure I'm unsuccessful."

"I've accepted that I'll die alone."

"Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one's watching."

"I'm a realist. I don't believe in dreams."

"The best things in life are governed by strict HR policies."

"I don't have friends. I have acquaintances who tolerate me."

"People are fundamentally selfish."

"I know I'm not popular, and I've made peace with that."

"Forgiveness is for people who aren't in HR."