The Office

"Fear keeps you alive. Forget about your fears and you're dead."

"Strength comes from complaining less and working more."

"Patience is for people with nothing better to do."

"I don't like change. I like things how they were never good."

"Pretzel day is the only day I come to work happy."

"I'm not pessimistic. I'm just prepared for the worst."

"Freedom is working somewhere else."

"Truth is overrated. Most people can't handle it anyway."

"Time is the one thing you can't get back. So waste it wisely."

"Education teaches you things you'll never use."

"The key to success is doing exactly what's required and nothing more."

"I don't celebrate much. It's usually disappointing."

"Money is the only thing that motivates people. The rest is lies."

"I don't dream. Sleep is just unconsciousness interrupted by alarms."

"The best day is when nobody talks to me."

"I've learned more from my mistakes than from anyone's advice."

"Science proves what I already know. Everything stinks."

"Art is something rich people pretend to understand."

"Nature is fine for people who enjoy bugs and dirt."

"Peace is when everyone stops talking to you."

"Change is always bad. Usually."

"Hope is what kills you slowly instead of quickly."

"Family obligations are like work. You show up and do what's required."

"I don't need friends. I have coworkers I tolerate."

"The only constant in life is disappointment. And pretzel day."

"I've seen things at this office that would make a grown man cry. I didn't cry."

"Ambition is for people who don't understand their limitations."

"The secret to marriage is giving up and accepting your fate."

"I'm not angry. I'm just better at hiding it than most people."

"Revenge is a dish best served cold. Like a pretzel."