The Office

"Technology is ruining everything. Except for my TV."

"Health is important. That's why I eat pretzel day snacks."

"I don't trust people who smile too much. It's suspicious."

"The only thing worse than working is working with other people."

"Dreams are for people who sleep. I'm usually at work."

"I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but at least I can admit them."

"Success is not about the destination, it's about not having to work with idiots."

"Patience is a virtue. One I don't have."

"I think you're stupid. I don't say it to be mean, I say it because it's true."

"The greatest achievement is being left alone to do your work."

"Change is inevitable. Resistance is futile. Complaining is optional but encouraged."

"I like my job because I am good at what I do, and nobody can tell me I'm not."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a boat you can take happiness out to."

"You know what? I'm done pretending to care about other people's feelings."

"I don't have time for people's problems. I have my own."

"The trick is not to think about it. You just do it."

"Family is everything. Even when you wish they weren't."

"I could never be friends with someone who didn't appreciate a good crossword puzzle."

"Pretzels are the only food that have a day."

"I'm not the best at my job, but I'm better than most."

"Some people can't believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first."

"Love is a force more powerful than war."

"I don't care what they say about me. I just care what they say about me in front of my face."

"The worst thing about prison was the dementors."

"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."

"I have a crossword to do. Congratulations on your engagement."

"You only live once. Or twice if you're a cat."

"I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too far, and work at a job for which I get paid too little. But thanks to that mysterious force, I get it all done."

"The secret's out. I work at a paper company."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."