The Office

"Change is the only constant. That and my inability to hold a steady job."

"Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. I'm usually just doing it anyway."

"Hope is thinking tomorrow will be better than today. Usually wrong."

"Success is relative. So is failure. Everything's relative if you think about it long enough."

"Wisdom comes from experience. Most of mine is too weird to share."

"Love is a chemical reaction in your brain. I think mine's broken."

"I once did a bit where I convinced someone their car was a different color. Good times."

"The worst thing about getting old is remembering all the times you were wrong."

"Solitude is being alone with your thoughts. Sometimes they're not very good company."

"Relationships require honesty, trust, and the ability to ignore things."

"Inspiration comes from unexpected places. Like under the couch."

"Motivation is finding a reason to do something. Threats work too."

"War is what happens when talking stops working. I prefer to never talk in the first place."

"Politics is the art of making promises you never intended to keep."

"Literature teaches you about life through stories. So do my memories."

"Philosophy is just wondering about things you'll never figure out."

"History is written by the survivors. And liars."

"Technology is great until it remembers where you've been."

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge has limitations."

"Adventure is what happens when you take a wrong turn and decide to keep going."

"Health is wealth. So I'm bankrupt."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it buys things that are almost as good."

"Power corrupts. I'd know—I've had a little bit."

"Fear is just the body's way of telling you something might happen."

"Strength comes from within. Also from whatever I found in that parking lot."

"Kindness is a sign of weakness. I'll demonstrate."

"Patience is a virtue. I have none."

"Justice is relative. So is my relationship to the truth."

"Creativity is just lying about where your ideas come from."

"Gratitude is thanking people for things you would've taken anyway."