The Simpsons

"My credibility is unquestionable, my hair is immaculate, my future is assured."

"The news never sleeps, and neither do I. I just nap strategically."

"I've learned that in news, as in life, it's not about what you know, it's about who knows you."

"The future is uncertain, but my career is not."

"In the end, we're all just trying to leave our mark on the world. Mine is in ratings."

"The news is my passion, and my passion is showing."

"I've learned that the best stories are the ones that make people talk."

"The people trust me because I trust myself. Implicitly."

"Success in broadcasting means always being ready for your close-up."

"I report the news, but I also report myself. Constantly."

"The camera is my best friend, and it has never let me down."

"My job is to inform, enlighten, and look good doing it."

"I've always believed that the news should be delivered with style and substance."

"The news cycle is relentless, and so am I."

"In my years at Channel 6, I've become a fixture of the community."

"The truth will set you free, but my reporting will set you entertained."

"I believe that with great microphone comes great responsibility."

"The news business is unpredictable, unlike my perfectly coiffed hair."

"I've covered everything from triumphs to tragedies to traffic reports."

"The role of the press is to speak truth to power, though I prefer speaking to cameras."

"As a newsman, I've learned that every story has two sides. I just show the one I like."

"Breaking news is what gets people out of their chairs and to their TVs."

"I've learned that in this business, you have to believe in yourself."

"The news is a mirror held up to society, and I am the mirror."

"I approach each broadcast with the seriousness it deserves, which is considerable."

"The future of news is bright, as long as I'm the one reporting it."

"My legacy will be one of journalistic integrity and impeccable fashion."

"I've never let the truth get in the way of a good story."

"The job of a newsman is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable."

"I report what I see, and I see a lot because I'm very observant."