The Simpsons

"Inspiration strikes like lightning - usually when I see ratings are down."

"I've always believed that hard work is overrated."

"Dreams do come true - mine did, even if I don't deserve them."

"Kindness is great, unless it interferes with a better story."

"Hope springs eternal, much like my career somehow."

"Justice is served best when I'm the one serving it."

"Creativity is the ability to come up with new ways to report old news."

"Gratitude is something I feel toward myself regularly."

"Perseverance means never giving up - I'm still on air despite everything."

"Death and taxes are certain; my hairline, however, is permanent."

"Beauty is truth, truth is beauty - and I am very beautiful."

"The greatest joke is my track record."

"Adventure is out there, but I prefer to report on it from the studio."

"Health is important; that's why I invest in the best face creams."

"Money doesn't solve everything, but it sure helps with my lifestyle."

"Fear is healthy in the news business - fear of bad ratings."

"Strength is the ability to stand up for your convictions - or money, whichever comes first."

"I once reported on a sporting event I didn't understand at all."

"The only person I trust completely is myself, and I trust myself just a little."

"Faith is believing in something without evidence - perfect for my reporting style."

"Philosophy is wondering about life's big questions - I prefer wondering about my bonuses."

"Science tells us many things, most of which I will misreport."

"The greatest art is the art of self-promotion."

"I've never let a little thing like not knowing anything stop me."

"Wisdom comes to those who sit in anchor chairs long enough."

"A moment of silence for all the stories I reported incorrectly."

"Music to my ears is the sound of applause and ratings increases."

"In literature, as in life, I prefer the version that makes me look best."

"Technology is wonderful; it lets me deliver false information faster."

"I believe in the power of imagination - it helps me make up stories."