The Simpsons

"The secret to happiness is a good paycheck and a great publicist."

"I've learned that patience is a virtue, unless you're missing a newscast."

"Nothing builds courage like knowing your mistakes will be forgotten by tomorrow's news cycle."

"In my day, we didn't check our sources - we checked our hair."

"I live by a strict code of ethics - mostly ignoring them."

"The power of the press is nothing compared to the power of good makeup."

"Family is important, which is why I've had three different families."

"I report the news the way I see it - through rose-tinted, designer glasses."

"Success means having a better parking spot than everyone else."

"The truth is out there somewhere, but I'm not looking for it."

"I've reported on wars, disasters, and opening ribbon cuttings with equal seriousness."

"In broadcasting, integrity is just a word that comes before 'optional.'"

"The greatest love story ever told is me and my reflection."

"Experience has taught me that the camera doesn't lie - I do."

"I once reported the news while being completely wrong about everything."

"Let me tell you about friendship: it's great until better ratings come along."

"I believe in freedom of the press - my press."

"The only thing more important than the news is how I look delivering it."

"Change is good, especially when it comes with better sponsor deals."

"I've learned that in the news business, showing up and looking good is 90% of the job."

"A man's word is his bond, unless he's on camera."

"I once dated the mayor. It was purely objective journalism."

"The pursuit of truth is noble, but the pursuit of higher ratings is nobler."

"I live by one simple rule: if it sells newspapers, it's newsworthy."

"Nothing says 'professional journalism' like reading the news off a teleprompter."

"Education is important, but have you seen my jawline?"

"I credit my success to my good looks and complete lack of integrity."

"In my experience, the truth is malleable and ratings are eternal."

"Marriage is beautiful - I've done it several times."

"I've covered every major event in Springfield, mostly inaccurately."