The Simpsons

"Justice is a myth we tell ourselves to sleep better."

"Creativity is wasted on those who actually succeed."

"I'd be grateful if everyone would just leave me alone."

"Perseverance is just stubbornness with a nicer name."

"Death is probably not as depressing as parent-teacher conferences."

"Beauty fades, but cynicism is eternal."

"Humor is the only honest response to existence."

"Dreams are what you have when you fall asleep at your desk."

"Work is what you do to afford the things that make life bearable."

"Leadership is telling other people what to do while avoiding responsibility."

"Faith is believing things will get better, despite all evidence to the contrary."

"Music is wonderful—especially when it drowns out my thoughts."

"Science explains everything except why I'm still teaching."

"Art is my passion, right after giving up."

"Nature is pretty, I suppose, if you like that sort of thing."

"Peace is what you find at the bottom of a martini glass."

"Freedom is just another word for running out of excuses."

"The truth? Overrated. Give me a comforting lie instead."

"Time flies when you're having fun; it crawls when you're grading papers."

"Knowledge is power, but I prefer ignorance and a drink."

"Education: the art of filling empty vessels with more emptiness."

"Change is what happens when you stop trying to stay the same."

"Courage is just fear that hasn't had enough bourbon yet."

"Hope is the last thing that dies, usually from neglect."

"Family is an institution I'd like to be institutionalized to escape from."

"Friends are just people you haven't disappointed yet."

"Success? That's for people with ambition and functioning livers."

"My happiness ended around 1987."

"Wisdom is knowing when to pour the wine and when to drink it."

"Love is what happens when you're too tired to say no."