The Simpsons

"Technology keeps changing so people like me stay obsolete."

"Imagination is wasted on people who actually accomplish things."

"Adventure is what happens when you take a wrong turn."

"Health is the slowest way to die."

"Money makes the world go around—straight into the bank."

"Power is something other people have that ruins your life."

"Fear is just respect for consequences."

"Inner strength is just stubbornness you're proud of."

"Kindness gets exploited, so I prefer being selfish."

"Patience is what you develop when you're too lazy to act immediately."

"Justice is a word rich people use to feel better."

"Creativity dies in committee meetings."

"Gratitude is something I'd express if I had anything to be grateful for."

"Perseverance is just refusing to accept defeat."

"Death is just life's way of telling you to stop bothering."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, preferably someone drunk."

"The funniest things in life are usually tragic."

"Dreams are free, which explains why they're worthless."

"Work is where you spend most of your life failing."

"Leaders are just followers who got tired of admitting it."

"Faith in what? Myself? I abandoned that years ago."

"Music and alcohol are nature's way of coping."

"Science can explain almost everything except why I made my life choices."

"Art is just organized procrastination."

"Nature would be beautiful if it didn't require effort to appreciate."

"Peace requires giving up, which I'm excellent at."

"Freedom is just another word for no one caring what you do."

"The truth will set you free, but first it will depress you."

"Time moves differently depending on how much you hate your job."

"The more you know, the more you realize how little it matters."