The Simpsons

"The road to recovery is long and boring. I'd rather take the scenic route."

"I've got character. Lots of it. It's just well-hidden."

"Kindness is my greatest strength. Except when drunk. Then it's my greatest weakness."

"My dreams are all PG-13 and involve beer."

"Health is wealth. I'm poor in both accounts."

"Power corrupts. So does whiskey, but in a more fun way."

"I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of running out of beer."

"The greatest invention of all time? The keg."

"Patience is a virtue I don't have time for."

"Music is the universal language. So is beer."

"Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize the guy staring back. That happens a lot."

"I used to be a pilot. Now I just fly by the seat of my pants."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

"I'm not lazy, I'm just energy efficient."

"The path to success is paved with failed attempts and empty bottles."

"I believe in second chances. I've had about 200 of them."

"Time flies when you're having fun. It crawls when you're sober."

"I've hit rock bottom. Found some loose change down there though."

"Moe, you're like a brother to me. A brother who judges me constantly."

"My autobiography would be called 'Here's Mud in Your Eye'."

"Every time I quit, I get this itchy feeling in my liver."

"The difference between me and a bum? I know where to find free beer."

"I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. I go to Moe's."

"A man without beer is just a man with problems."

"I've been to the bottom, and let me tell you, the view isn't great."

"Life is like a beer run: unpredictable and often disappointing."

"Sometimes I think I'm a genius. Then reality hits me like a barstool."

"You can't buy love, but you can buy beer, which is basically the same thing."

"The key to happiness is knowing when to walk away from the bottle. I haven't found that key yet."

"I may be down, but I'm never out... until closing time."