The Simpsons

"Courage is telling someone their breath smells like a distillery."

"Change is the only constant, except for my feelings of regret."

"Justice is served cold, like my beer."

"Creativity is putting three liqueurs together and calling it a cocktail."

"Gratitude is what I feel when someone pays their tab in full."

"Power is being able to cut someone off and have them still come back."

"My biggest fear is that one day I'll run out of beer."

"Strength isn't about muscles; it's about how much you can drink."

"Kindness is wasted on people who run up tabs and skip out on the bill."

"The only thing I'm patient with is a pour."

"I've mastered the art of doing nothing while looking busy."

"Solitude is what you get when everyone stops coming to your bar."

"Inspiration strikes when you least expect it, usually around closing time."

"Motivation is for people with purpose. I just have a liquor license."

"War and peace are nothing compared to the war between me and sobriety."

"I've learned a lot from history, mostly that people have always been lousy."

"Technology is ruining humanity, but at least it keeps the beer cold."

"Imagination is for people without a television and a drink."

"Adventure is overrated when you have a perfectly good barstool."

"I've always been in excellent health, except for the liver part."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy beer, which is close."

"A real friend is someone who keeps coming back despite owing you money."

"Faith is believing that tomorrow will be better than today. I have none."

"I don't need music to drown out my thoughts; I have alcohol."

"In science, we call this state of mind 'drunk and unemployed'."

"True beauty is finding the right barstool and never leaving it."

"Laughter is the best medicine, but beer is a close second."

"I have a dream... that one day, my tab might be paid off."

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?"

"My bar is my kingdom, and I'm a terrible king."