The Simpsons

"I've loved and lost so many times, I've stopped counting."

"The only constant in my life is disappointment and Duff beer."

"I'd give my life for a chance to start over and be a bartender somewhere else."

"My greatest achievement is keeping this place open another day."

"Perseverance is coming back to the same bar after being thrown out."

"I don't need therapy; I have a bar full of drunks with problems."

"The meaning of life is 'last call'."

"I've seen the best and worst of humanity, usually at 2 AM on a Friday."

"Beauty fades, but a good whiskey is eternal."

"Humor is the only thing keeping me from complete despair."

"Dreams are what you have when you can't afford therapy."

"Success means paying the electric bill and the mortgage, barely."

"I measure my life in empty beer glasses."

"Forgiveness is easier after a few drinks."

"The only thing worth dying for is a perfectly poured Duff."

"I've learned that people are basically terrible, and that's okay."

"Happiness is the moment before reality sets in."

"Wisdom comes with age, and so does liver disease."

"Family is people you're stuck with, much like bar customers."

"Friendship is buying someone a drink even though they owe you money."

"Love is a battlefield, and I'm losing badly."

"The key to success is showing up and pretending you care."

"I didn't choose the bartender life; the bartender life chose me and ruined everything."

"Politics is like bartending: everyone lies and nobody leaves happy."

"Literature is for people who don't have someone to talk to at a bar."

"Nature is nice, but it doesn't have a beer garden like Moe's."

"Death is the only thing scarier than my divorce lawyer."

"Hope springs eternal, like a tap on a keg."

"Knowledge is knowing what drink will make your problems worse."

"Education is useless unless it teaches you how to bartend."