The Simpsons

"Death might not be the worst thing that could happen."

"Justice is served cold, like our hearts."

"Creativity is wasted on people like us."

"Gratitude? We're too busy resenting everything."

"Perseverance means not giving up, even when you should."

"Power corrupts, but so does powerlessness. We know from experience."

"Fear keeps us grounded. Fear of commitment, fear of change, fear of vegetables."

"Strength comes from years of dealing with disappointment."

"Kindness is a weakness. Better to be honest and bitter."

"Patience is a virtue we don't possess."

"Hope is for optimists. We're pessimists, and we're usually right."

"Education didn't help us. Why would it help anyone else?"

"Courage is doing something even though it will probably fail. We do this constantly."

"Wisdom is realizing you're not as smart as you thought."

"Solitude sounds nice until you're actually alone with your thoughts."

"Relationships are complicated. That's why we avoid them."

"Inspiration strikes when you least expect it. Usually when you're depressed."

"Motivation comes from knowing things could always be worse."

"Politics is a joke. We should know; we've lived through plenty of them."

"Literature? We prefer tabloids and magazines about celebrities."

"Philosophy is pretending to understand things you don't."

"History is just a record of people messing things up. Nothing's changed."

"Technology makes everything worse. We preferred the old days of being unhappy without gadgets."

"Imagination is for people without a reality to complain about."

"Adventures? We're too old and tired for that."

"Health is overrated. We're doing fine."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigarettes."

"Humor is the best medicine. Second best is alcohol."

"Dreams are what you have when you're asleep and can't disappoint yourself."

"Leadership is telling other people what to do. We're excellent at this."