The Simpsons

"Politics and cigarettes: both addictive and bad for you."

"Literature is just long complaints in nice binding."

"Philosophy is overthinking things that don't matter."

"History is boring unless it's about our lives."

"Technology is ruining society. We should know; we work at the DMV."

"Imagination is for children and failures."

"Adventure is what happens when you make a wrong turn."

"Health is a temporary condition."

"Money makes the world go round, usually toward richer people."

"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you're already miserable. Then nothing helps."

"Dreams are lies your brain tells you while you sleep."

"Working for a living is what happens to people with no other options."

"Leaders are just people who are better at telling lies."

"Faith is for people who've given up on logic."

"Music is nice until someone plays it badly. Then it's just noise."

"Science explains everything except why we're still single."

"Art imitates life. Both are disappointing."

"Nature is pretty in pictures. Real nature is dirty and inconvenient."

"Peace is an illusion. War is more honest."

"We were born free, and we've been miserable ever since."

"Time is something that happens to other people."

"Knowledge is useful if you're smart enough to use it. We're not."

"You can't change the past, but you can definitely dwell on it."

"Happiness is other people's misery. We're thrilled about their problems."

"The truth will set you free. Or just make you angrier."

"Success is just failure in a better outfit."

"We'd rather be right than happy. It's worked out great so far."

"The only thing constant in life is our constant complaining."

"Every failed date is a story we'll never tell anyone."

"We're living proof that twins don't have to be close."