The Simpsons

"Death is the only certainty besides taxes and bad luck."

"Beauty is pain waiting to happen."

"Humor is how I cope with my pathetic existence."

"Dreams are for people with nothing better to do."

"Work is what you do for money you'll never have."

"Leadership is just yelling louder than everyone else."

"Faith is believing without evidence, which I do daily."

"Music is the universal language I don't speak."

"Science is just guessing with numbers."

"Art is subjective, like my bartending."

"Nature's beautiful until it rains on your day off."

"Peace of mind costs extra."

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."

"Truth hurts, so I avoid it."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

"Knowledge is a burden."

"Education? I went to the school of hard knocks."

"Change? The only thing that changes is the jukebox."

"Courage is for people with nothing to lose."

"Hope is a cruel mistress."

"Family is a four-letter word, and I can think of others."

"Friends are just enemies you haven't had a fight with yet."

"Success is what happens to other people."

"Happiness is temporary; misery is permanent."

"Love is an illusion they invented to sell greeting cards."

"Wisdom is knowing what you don't know, which is everything."

"The best things in life are behind the bar."

"Courage is just stupidity with confidence."

"Family's the people you're stuck with."

"You can't buy friends, but you can rent 'em."