The Simpsons

"History is just one long series of mistakes I can relate to."

"Education is important, but so is having fun."

"I've tried to be a leader, but I usually just end up in the ditch."

"Leadership is a burden I never asked for."

"I have faith that things will work out somehow."

"Music soothes the soul, but beer soothes it better."

"Nature is beautiful, especially when you're drunk enough to appreciate it."

"Peace of mind is overrated."

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."

"The truth is, I'm a mess."

"I've had many jobs, and I've quit them all with honor."

"Work is just something that gets in the way of drinking."

"I believe in second chances, third chances, and fourth chances."

"Art is subjective, kind of like my moral compass."

"I once had a beautiful woman, and I blew it."

"The secret to happiness is low expectations."

"Family is everything, even when they drive you crazy."

"I may not have much, but I have my pride. Just kidding, I sold that long ago."

"Nothing says success like a Bar Mitzvah!"

"I've hit rock bottom, and somehow I'm still digging."

"Life is about the journey, not the destination."

"I'm going to make a change, starting today."

"Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand."

"I may be a bum, but I'm a bum with dreams."

"Dreams are where I'm a winner."

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a difference in anyone's life."

"I believe in giving back to the community."

"The greatest thing about being a bar regular is the routine."

"You don't need money to have fun."

"Change is scary, but staying the same is scarier."