The Simpsons

"Faith in what? The ratings? That's all the faith I need!"

"Music and comedy - the only two things that matter, besides money."

"Science is for the nerds who couldn't make people laugh if they tried!"

"Art is subjective - my art just happens to pay my bar bills!"

"Nature is nice to look at, but it doesn't have a merchandise line."

"Peace is for people without my level of chaotic energy!"

"Freedom is doing whatever I want without the censors shutting me down... so far."

"The truth will set you free - free from sponsors and high ratings!"

"Every moment not spent making money is a moment wasted!"

"Knowledge is power, but fame is a better investment!"

"Education is important, which is why I dropped out and became rich!"

"The only constant in show business is change... and debt."

"Courage is what you need when you're bombing in front of five hundred people."

"I've got hope that one day I'll get sober... but not yet!"

"Family comes first, second, and third - in terms of who I owe money to!"

"A friend is someone who laughs at your jokes even when the audience doesn't."

"Success means never having to say 'I'm sorry' - my lawyers say it for me!"

"You know what makes me happiest? A standing ovation and a bar tab I don't have to pay."

"The wise man knows when to say 'That's a wrap!' and go home early."

"Marriage is just a contract with worse lawyers than my actual contracts!"

"Life's too short to work at something you hate - switch to something you hate that pays better!"

"If you're gonna fail, fail big and make it funny!"

"Hey, the secret to comedy is timing, timing, and more money!"

"Solitude? That's just time I could be spending at the craps table!"

"Relationships are complicated, which is why I prefer my money to be simple and clean."

"Inspiration hits you when you're desperate for a new bit and the ratings are dropping."

"Motivation comes from wanting to keep that big house and the three ex-wives happy."

"War is terrible, but a good roast battle can be comedy gold!"

"Politics? Don't get me started - I save my material for the show!"

"Literature? The only books I read are my royalty statements!"