The Simpsons

"Philosophy is just thinking about stuff, and thinking costs me money in therapy bills."

"History? I'm too busy making history to study it, pal!"

"Technology is great, but nothing beats a live audience losing their minds at my act!"

"Imagination is what separates me from all the other washed-up comedians."

"Adventure is fun until you realize the insurance doesn't cover pratfalls!"

"Health? That's what gyms are for, and I got a guy to do that for me."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it sure rents it for a weekend!"

"Power is having network executives return your phone calls immediately."

"Fear is just another word for 'good motivation to work harder.'"

"Strength comes from knowing how to work a crowd and work the angles."

"Kindness is free, but I still charge for appearances at children's hospitals."

"Patience is a virtue I don't have time for!"

"Justice? I prefer just ice in my scotch!"

"Creativity is just stealing ideas and making them funnier than the original."

"Gratitude is nice, but royalty checks are better!"

"Perseverance is what keeps you coming back after bomb after bomb after bomb."

"Death? Let's not talk about that until the network cancels me!"

"Beauty fades, but a good punchline is forever... or at least until next week's episode."

"Humor is the best medicine, second only to prescription pills and expensive lawyers."

"Dreams are great, but they don't have a Nielsen rating attached to them!"

"Work? That's what other people do. I call what I do 'living the dream!'"

"A good leader knows when to take credit and when to blame the writers."

"Faith? I have faith in one thing - the almighty dollar!"

"Music is the soundtrack to my life... and that life has a very good composer!"

"Science schmience - did science ever make anyone laugh? No, but I do!"

"Art is whatever sells tickets and makes the sponsors happy, kid."

"Nature? That's what I see through the windows of my limo on the way to the bank!"

"Peace is boring. I'd rather have chaos and a big paycheck!"

"Freedom means I can do whatever I want without my network's approval... usually."

"The truth? The truth is overrated when a good lie makes better ratings!"