The Simpsons

"I used to have standards, but they were too heavy to carry around."

"The meaning of life is whatever you want it to be, mine happens to be beer."

"I've got all the friends I need, they all come in bottles."

"Life gave me lemons, so I made lemonade. Then I added vodka."

"I'm not lost, I'm just exploring alternative paths to failure."

"Every cloud has a silver lining, mine's just at the bottom of a bottle."

"The truth is, I don't know what the truth is."

"I'm a work in progress, mainly the work part."

"Poverty isn't so bad when you're drunk."

"I've learned that regret is best washed down with beer."

"My life is like a bad movie that keeps getting worse."

"Hope dies, then you have another drink."

"I'm the only guy who can turn a good situation into a bad one instantly."

"Friendship means never having to say 'you're cut off.'"

"I'm not lazy, I'm just saving my energy for important things."

"The present is all we have, so let's live it up tonight."

"I used to have ambitions, then I discovered beer."

"Being an underdog taught me that losing is a lot easier than winning."

"I've got nothing to lose because I've already lost everything."

"The best things in life are free, especially if you steal them."

"Education is important, but so is knowing when you've learned enough."

"I'm not unemployed, I'm between jobs... for seven years."

"Self-improvement starts tomorrow, probably never."

"The only ladder I've been able to climb is the one to higher shelves at the bar."

"I've made peace with my demons. We're drinking buddies now."

"Life's a journey, mine just happens to involve a lot of detours."

"People say I'm a fool, which is fine because at least I'm happy."

"Tomorrow I'll be sober. Tonight I'm Barney."

"I'm not smart enough to be successful, which is lucky because I don't want to be."

"Responsibility is a four-letter word... wait, no it's not."