The Simpsons

"My heart is a stone. I had it appraised."

"The environment? I prefer to call it a resource extraction opportunity."

"Progress is measured in quarterly earnings reports."

"The masses are happier not knowing what they're missing."

"Smithers, I'm feeling mortal today. Schedule my resurrection."

"Trust no one. Suspect everyone. Pay them less."

"I've seen a lot in my years, and it's all made me richer and meaner."

"The only thing more beautiful than money is having more money."

"Success requires crushing your competition and their families."

"The secret to happiness is not knowing how much you could have."

"Dreams fade. Bills persist."

"Work is a privilege I've generously provided to the masses."

"Leadership is the art of making others do your bidding."

"Wisdom comes to those who live long enough to corrupt others."

"Love is a tax deduction if married properly."

"Life is a series of transactions."

"Death is the only certainty that brings me peace."

"Family is just another word for inheritance complications."

"Friendship is a liability I cannot afford."

"I have a soft spot in my heart. I had it surgically removed."

"Beauty in nature? Nature is meant to be exploited for profit."

"Laughter is the sound of the weak."

"Success is measured in power and influence over others."

"Time is money, which means I waste nothing."

"Freedom is mine. Everyone else has privilege at my discretion."

"Truth is whatever my lawyers say it is."

"Philosophy teaches us that might makes right."

"Literature is a good way to put people to sleep at meetings."

"Hope is what keeps the poor docile."

"Happiness is a full bank account and an empty conscience."