The Simpsons

"I'm grateful for three things: money, show business, and money!"

"Keep at it, kid. Perseverance and a good PR team can solve anything!"

"Death? I'm not thinking about that until after the Nielsen ratings close!"

"Beauty is in the eye of the audience - and in my checking account!"

"My dreams all come true when the money is real!"

"Work hard, work smart, or better yet - work me and split the profits!"

"A good leader knows how to schmooze with the right people!"

"Faith? I have faith in one thing - my agent's ability to negotiate!"

"Music to my ears is the sound of applause and cash registers!"

"Science? That's for nerds. Showbiz is the real science!"

"Art is whatever people pay for, kid!"

"Nature? I'm more of an indoors guy myself!"

"Peace is nice, but not as nice as a sold-out show!"

"Freedom means the freedom to make more money!"

"Hope springs eternal, but so do my debts!"

"My family means everything to me - especially at tax time!"

"The key to friendship is never lending money to your friends!"

"Never trust a man without a sense of humor - he's probably a cop!"

"Change is good, unless it affects my bottom line!"

"They say laughter is the best medicine, and boy, do I charge for it!"

"You gotta have courage to bomb in front of a live audience and come back the next week!"

"Happiness is a warm audience and an even warmer paycheck!"

"Love is for suckers, kid. Get yourself a good agent instead!"

"I've been in this business for forty years, and I'll tell you - timing is everything!"

"You want the secret to success? Show up, do the act, cash the check!"

"Life's too short to worry about the small stuff. Just laugh it off!"

"Hey hey! Remember, kid, money doesn't grow on trees - it grows in my wallet!"

"War is peace, and I am the peacemaker."

"Politics is just polite violence with a suit on."

"Every good story involves getting bonked on the head."