The Simpsons

"I could help other people, but why should I? They never helped me."

"Now that I'm married, I understand the big secrets: Marge comes first, then the TV remote."

"Could you describe the rattle you're hearing? Is it more of a 'ping' or a 'ding'?"

"Flanders is the only one who understands me."

"I'm not a baby! I'm a big boy now. I have the strength of a man."

"Lenny, I got to tell you something. Marge and I, we're in love. And that's what matters."

"I can't, I'm going through my wallet to look for pictures of my family to remind me to kill myself."

"Woo-hoo! A perfect day."

"I'm a baby! I don't know anything. I just need love."

"Stupid sexy Flanders!"

"You know what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup? Mayonnaise."

"It's funny 'cause he's fat."

"I love my TV more than I love my family."

"If kids are so innocent, why do they taste so good?"

"Marge, we're all doomed! Even if we survive the next couple of seconds, you'll be dead in a hundred years."

"This is the greatest adventure of our lives! Wait, this isn't an adventure. We're just going to work."

"I'm finally going to build that lemonade stand, and with my brains and muscle, I'll be an instant success."

"Mmm... art."

"The whole reason we eat is so we don't die. And now that we're not gonna die, we don't have to eat."

"I can't believe it. Reading and writing, I haven't done either since second grade."

"Is there a word for when you're not a little bit disappointed?"

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"Tell them I went down swinging."

"Get a job, Stan. Oh wait, you're a kid. What an apt student of the humanities you are."

"I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there isn't. It's just me."

"I love the smell of the boiling crab in the morning."

"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"

"I can't even say the word 'titmouse' without giggling."

"I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are."

"Beer. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."