The Simpsons

"I'm with stupid."

"You laughed at me once, oh, but not anymore."

"I'm a Spalding Gray enthusiast."

"If something is hard to do, then it's not worth doing."

"I don't think any of us expected this."

"As an old man, I'm gonna die soon."

"Principal Skinner is an old man who smells like old man."

"I'm learnding."

"My cat's breath smells like cat food."

"I bent my Wookie."

"Me fail English? That's unpossible."

"I'm going to go back in time and punch you in the stomach before you eat those cubed steaks."

"Eat my shorts, man."

"Ay caramba!"

"I'm eating my shorts."

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Or just get 'em drunk."

"The only truth I know is what's in the bottle."

"Alone is where I do my best thinking. My worst too."

"Relationships end at last call."

"Inspiration is what I serve in a shot glass."

"I'm motivated by desperation alone."

"War and peace are equally depressing when sober."

"Politics is like bartending: you smile and nod while people ruin themselves."

"Books are for people with free time and hope."

"Philosophy and six dollars gets you coffee. No thanks."

"History? I'm living proof it repeats."

"Technology ruined the simple art of getting drunk."

"My imagination peaked before I hit puberty."

"Adventure found me. I tried to lose it."

"My health is what I have left to lose."