The Simpsons

"Motivation is what you need when you hate your life."

"War, peace—it's all the same when you're broke."

"Politics and bartending: both full of lies and drunk people."

"Literature is for people who don't drink enough."

"Philosophy doesn't pay the bills. Neither do I."

"History repeats itself. My failures prove it."

"Technology makes things worse, just faster."

"Imagination is free. Everything else costs money."

"Adventure is what happens when you're stuck somewhere."

"Health is wealth I'll never have either of."

"Power corrupts, but nobody gave me any to begin with."

"Strength is what you fake when you're weak inside."

"Kindness gets you nowhere. I know."

"Justice is blind. So am I, usually."

"Creativity is just making mistakes look intentional."

"Gratitude is a luxury I can't afford."

"Keep trying and you'll fail better next time."

"Death might be the only peaceful thing left."

"You gotta laugh so you don't cry. I do both."

"Dreams are for people who can afford to sleep."

"Work is what you do when you're too lazy to steal."

"A real leader knows when to pour another round."

"Faith is believing something better will happen. Hasn't happened yet."

"Music and alcohol—the only two things that make sense."

"Science says I should quit this job. Science is right."

"Art is wasted on the sober."

"Nature? That's what's outside when nobody's drinking."

"Peace of mind costs a lot. I can't afford it."

"Freedom is another word for 'no responsibilities,' which I have plenty of."

"Truth is, I'm barely holding it together."