The Simpsons

"Power is an illusion. Alcohol is real."

"My strength is knowing how weak I am."

"Kindness is another word for stupidity."

"Justice served here comes in a glass."

"Creating problems is my specialty."

"I'm grateful for nothing, which is all I have."

"Keep trying. It won't work, but keep trying."

"Death and taxes—the only things guaranteed. I pay neither."

"Dreams are for people who haven't woken up yet."

"I work because the alternative is homelessness."

"A leader inspires people. I inspire them to drink more."

"Faith left town the same day my wife did."

"Music is the only thing that doesn't lie to me."

"Art is what I see on bar stools at midnight."

"Nature and I haven't spoken since 1987."

"Peace is what I have in dreams. Bad dreams."

"Freedom tastes like cheap beer and regret."

"Honesty is the worst policy for a bartender."

"Time moves slower when you're waiting for closing time."

"I've learned that most people don't have the answers either."

"The bar is the only place where my failures are the norm."

"Trust is like a glass—once broken, you're out of business."

"People come here to forget. I do too, every morning."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy better liquor."

"I've heard more confessions than a priest makes sense of."

"Every customer's a philosopher when they're drunk enough."

"The only thing harder than loving is being loved."

"Solitude is the only honest conversation I have."

"Relationships are just obligations with drinking problems."

"Inspiration struck once. I dodged it."